State of the Onion

Agent P in Washington, DC, send me a note last night asking if I would live-text the State of the Union address, as he had been apprehended trying to sneak into the building and would be unable to access a television until he could make his 'one call'. Here are the results:

Wed, Jan 27

7:06 PM: Hail to the chief!

-Agent P: Have we solved healthcare yet?

7:13 PM: Yup. The next hour will just be a dramatic reading of the Obama's grocery list.

-Agent P: Oh, good. I heard laundry lists were out and I was wondering what they were going to use as a replacement. Take a shot every time he says 'arugula'

7:18 PM: A shot of high brown choke cherry liqueur. Ok. So far... things aren't great right now but haven't been for years. Don't blame Obama, blame partisanship.

7:20 PM: Step one- the economy. Bailout as popular as a root canal. But it kept us from losing our entire metaphorical jaw. But we are still in recovery room.

-Agent P: Got to love extended dentistry metaphors. They give you so much to chew on.

7:25 PM: Jobs no. 1 focus in 2010. Applause! And now let's look to the future: clean energy, high speed trains, no more tax breaks for outsourcers, oh my!

7:32 PM: Get your act together, America. Germany and India are so hot right now and we won't settle for second place! Chanting!

7:36 PM: Financial reform! We be serious, yo! If it ain't legit, I'ma veto that shit. More nuclear power plants, more offshore drilling and coal. Hippies are crying!

-Agent P: Is he wearing a power tie?

7:39 PM: Yes. Wide windsor knot in peppermint pink and red. Climate bill! Clean energy for the win and/or global domination. New trade deals?

7:40 PM: Oh hey, education. Who be stealing our future? Will there be an intermission?

-Agent P: Yes, after Brutus and Marc Anthony make their speeches.

7:43 PM: Student loans out, Pell grants in. Public service jobs = loan breaks. All debt erased after 20 years. Assuming you're alive after 2012.

7:48 PM: Let's clear a few things up: healthcare reform isn't fun or easy, unlike my bedazzler. But it has got to happen.

7:51 PM: Deficit time. Cue funky breakdance music. President probably has parachute pants on behind podium.

7:54 PM: Although Obama will pass on devastatingly good looks to future generation, deficit stops now.

7:55 PM: Or maybe next year.

8:02 PM: Transparency new watchword. And now, bringing it full circle, the split along party lines is lame. Seriously, guys, get over yourselves. Oh, and democrats still pwn.

8:07 PM: Terror watch: not a new bad ass model from rolex. We better look alive! Bring it Al Qaida. Iraq, you are on your own. Kind of. Maybe. Uh, at the end of term.

8:08 PM: Epic serious face.

8:13 PM: Enemies: nuclear weapons, HIV/AIDS, climate change. Friends: human dignity, the underdog, law abiding citizens.

8:15 PM: Ask! Tell! Wave that rainbow flag! And that pink lady flag! And the Mexican flag while you're at it! Oh to be a militant lesbian from Durango right now!

8:21 PM: Never give up! Never surrender! -end transmission-